


Shallow waters and I

by DSp8ceComet



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Character Analysis, Character Study, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:09:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25241437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DSp8ceComet/pseuds/DSp8ceComet
Summary: Allude to nothing, the ill will hope. Grow and bloom, leave me be.





	Shallow waters and I

I can’t tell anyone. I can’t rely on anyone. I can’t trust anyone. They’re all out to kill.

My head feels like a bowling ball. Well, not really. Because that would be bad. I’m not weak. I’m not strong, but I’m far from weak. I won’t let myself be. I can’t be. Because I only have myself. No one can understand me better than me. No one will ever understand me as well as me. They won’t bother trying. Why am I always the one trying? I suppose I’m just not worth it. They have people closer to them than they are to me, so I’m not needed. I’m the one who needs them. If only society wasn’t built in this stupid way, that requires people to interact with people- the more I think of it the more I feel myself slipping. I refuse to fall. But if I do, I better not come back. If I ever become weak, I should disappear right there and then. Doing so would be best for everyone around me including myself.

Why can’t I just disappear? I can’t even have my own problems in peace. If I tell others, they have bigger problems. They don’t care. They’re right to not care though. And that’s why I’ll never tell. I don’t have problems anyway, compared to what they have I don’t have any problems. I’m not a weak person. Of course I don’t have problems. And it is the job of the strong to protect the weak, so that I will do. It would appear that everyone around me is weak. How are they surviving still? Maybe it’s because of me. Haha, just kidding. Like I said before- there are people closer to them than they are to me. I’m just a pawn, but I’m okay with that. I just want peace. I just want to be alone. I can’t even have that, so why do I even bother trying so hard? They won’t ever realise, they won’t ever notice.

They shouldn’t, but sometimes I feel like all I attract are people with broken minds, and who am I to say no to saving them? When they so desperately want to be saved?

Everyday, I tell myself to hold it together. Every time I look in the mirror, I can’t. I just can’t. I can’t look at my own body without feeling like my world is collapsing around me. But no one will know. Because they have bigger problems, and they wouldn’t understand anyway. Even if they did, what are they going to do? All they’ll do is make my situation worse- people are like ticking time bombs, so it’s better I do nothing to trigger them. People only serve as burdens to me, but I need them because of the way society is. I can’t. There’s no one here for me.

The only people who would ever understand me are fictional characters- but that’s why they’re named fictional. Am I fictional? Why is it that nobody else is like me? I’ll always be alone, but they’ll never leave me alone. It’s the most tiring thing. The only person I can talk to is myself. Me, in this decaying body. Sometimes, I split into two- the stronger one chastises the weaker one. I sometimes wish that I could let these two take over my body, so that this third party, the host of this decaying body, can finally be free and live in my world of delusions. If I were to finally be able to show them those two, I’d be able to be happy forever, which is my only wish.

I was alone, and then I wasn’t. But because of my stupidity, my faith, my weakness- I killed you. And now, you’re gone. I think all the time that I should never have met you. All I am is bad. All I want is to rot in the deepest depths of hell- is this where I am? This is why I tell myself to keep it together, to hold on. Bad people don’t deserve to die, only suffer. If this is the way I am supposed to repent then repent I shall, in hopes of finding salvation.

I learned the hard way: There’s no second chances in life. I should have been more cautious, but how could I have possibly known my trust in you would have wrecked the rest of your life, the rest of my life in this way? I can’t pass 5 minutes of the day without you crossing my mind. The guilt, the grief- I was foolish to think it would ever stop. This is my punishment. I deserve it. Does it even matter when you’re not here to see it? To see me grasping at the remnants of my being, blindfolded. If I could finally lose myself and go insane, I’d be forever thankful. I know I don’t deserve it though.

Bad people don’t deserve to feel freedom, to feel happiness.

All I wanted is to live in my world of delusions, all alone. How did I fuck up so bad? I had everything. Good grades, multiple trained skills, good reputation. I’m a wreck. I’m nothing like her. But she, too, was always like this. The girl who only dreams of nightmares, who can’t bring herself to look at her own body, who can’t bring herself to recall what she’s done. That’s still me. I hate it. I hopelessly believed that I changed, that I wasn’t the same person all those years ago, but I am, just that I’m more useless now. I’m a waste of money, time and space. This doesn’t upset me, naturally. That is simply the truth.

My body aches once more, yet it is not enough to kill me. This is my fate. This is how I’ll suffer, till the end of time. Because I’m worth not even nothing, but instead a burden to lug around. Even if I were to breathe my last breath, I’ll never tell them. I don’t want them to know. I’ll finally get the peace I so crave. It’d be shameful if I were to cry out for help anyway. I don’t need it. I refuse to be pitiful. My image is already left in ruins, and I can’t run anymore. I thought I could run forever, but this is the end of the line for me.

I have already decided on the path I will take. Shall I lose my way, know that I will make sure all evidence of me disappears. They will finally be free of me. It’s only a matter of time before I slip too far, too far to be saved. I don’t deserve to be saved, so I’ll go quietly.

Quiet.


End file.
